I wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar disorder until my early twenties. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if it was realized sooner. I thought I was just really fucked in the head. I didn't know being "fucked in the head" had a medical term. I'm not sure it would have made a vast improvement on the angst-filled years of my youth anyway. Sometimes the line between a teenage boy and bipolar is blurry. In high school, I had a lot of friends, but it was only because I pretended to share interests, laugh at jokes, and complain about...whatever. I didn't feel like I was a part of them, I felt apart from them. At times I questioned if I was even really a person or just some misguided or malfunctioning high-tech robot. I often chose solitude over social gatherings because "pretending" can start to hurt. It mostly hurt my face. You can fake all you want, but it all relies on facial expressions and that hint of interest in your eyes.
After awhile though, if you pretend to care long enough, it actually starts to become real. Either because now you are kidding yourself, or something rewired in the brain.
I still have to fake this shit sometimes, but at least it doesn't hurt my face as bad.
With this blog I hope to share my UPS and downs, the good and the bad. I'll try to be honest but it is in my nature to embellish a little... I enjoy writing and graphic art so I'll share that shit too.
There will be some laughs and tears (probably only mine). Thanks for reading.
The words of J.R.R. Tolkien-
Not all those who wander are lost.
(dramatic blog ending)
Rough Ride With Calm Waters Ahead...hopefully
11 years ago
1 comments:
Hi Jesse.
I understand your feelings more than you know. I didn't find out about my disorder until in my very late 20's. All that was lost hurts. The paths unwalked. But don't harp on those "could be" routes which your life might have taken. The road that you did traverse bought you to a wife and son that I can see that you love deeply. That is one solace that you can't bemoan.
It is nice to meet you. I have neglected my blogs for some time now. I have much to iterate. I hope to get off my ass and post.
Thanks for adding me to your blogroll and I have already added you to mine.
Tolkien have brought me much escape since my early teens.
You will find that with our illness also comes many skills as you surely know. The majority of BP people are very intelligent and gifted in the arts and invention. I look forward to seeing your works.
Later, Ash out...
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